Fancast: Inside TV

As I settled into San Diego, I thought of Ron Burgundy, because last night’s show went down smooth. As I said, I like the concentrated version of Idol better than the longer extravaganza. I know you get twice as much fun when it’s two hours, but I prefer to get right to the point.

I know it’s a stretch, but take the movie Dances With Wolves. It’s a great movie, but it runs four-plus hours. In that time, Kevin Costner could, and did, indulge in a lot of extremely nuanced, long-running scenes. Idol does a little bit of the same when it runs long. At this point in the season, I want to get right to the people. Whether they’re good or bad, let me get to know them and care about them. Send in the clowns and throw some pies at them so I can laugh, then give me a feel good encore. Simple -- and exactly what tonight's show was all about.

As I sat there with Jeff, and his puppy Reagan, I was pleased to see the Idol producers seem to be focused on same thing I’m talking about. They’re going equally for the heartstrings and the ha-has. Take last night’s first hopeful, the Slavic blonde- Tetiana Ostapowych from Venice, California. A good way to start off the show, but I think I missed something. Simon called her obnoxious. I didn't really see any overt obnoxious behavior during her audition, maybe some girly stuff, but nothing obnoxious.

I consider myself a good judge of character, and Tetiana seemed to be a nice person. On the other hand, I think I caught a glimpse of 'snap' in her. By 'snap', I mean she may be nice until you do something to cross her, and that's when she'll 'snap' on you. It's happened before on Idol. It's all in the eyes. If you have some old seasons recorded, go back and look at the eyes of those who snapped.

Anyone want to supply a list of the 10 craziest Idols? Send ‘em in. We’ll talk.

I love it when good things happen to good people, and Perrie Cataldo, was last night’s example. Perrie was a single dad. We met his little son. We also heard, somewhat cryptically, that the boy’s mother had been killed. She was, he said, hanging with the wrong sort of people. Nuf said. Then, as I expected, the gossip website TMZ turned up an arrest in his past, a misdemeanor for carrying a gun into a Glendale, AZ bar. From what I saw, though, he appears to have turned the corner, seen the light, or whatever, and devoted himself to doing good for his son – and trying to get on Idol.

I say good for him. I’m all about second chances, and it was wonderful to see a man raising his child, against the odds, and with love and maturity that can only be gleaned from having learned lessons. As for his performance, his choice of a boy-band song was appropriate because he should be in one. Even though he's going to Hollywood, he didn't strike me as a solo singer. He didn't have that quality that even the most lay of laypersons can sense about someone who is a star. You know it when you see it. It's a spark, confidence and ease while performing that speaks volumes. Go back and look at Kelly's audition, and tell me if you don't see it in her.

Bla, bla, bla...ah!

Samantha Musa. Now there was an interesting bird. She had a great voice, a wonderful essence, and that thing (I might barf if I have to type 'X-Factor'...oh damn it, I did it…gagging noises). Unless she completely goofs up in Hollywood, I bet she's going to be among the front runners, along with our blue-eyed European (we'll get to her later). Besides the nauseating Simon-lust thing, she gave a great performance. I think after the stylists get to her and she gets out of her head, she's going to be dynamite.

Now the part of the show where they send in the clowns.

You’d think that after seven seasons, people would learn not to set themselves up for disaster in front of the camera. Well, every year we have people booty-shakin', pleading to the judges, and making an ass out of themselves in front of the MTV-style confessional camera. Maybe it's just cause I've been through the industry wringer, but come on, how do these people not see the trap? They stumble into it like a bear stepping into a pit covered with leaves. In this case, the trap is covered with the sweet and succulent meat of fortune and fame. That’s all they see.

Here's a visual for you:

More often than not, Ryan is actually standing right next to the trap baiting the wandering and foolhardy contestant. They have no idea what’s about to happen. Twigs snap, gravity takes hold and before you can say, “hey, fool, 30 million people are laughing at you,” the contestant finds themselves in the pit, clawing at the walls, asking, “What’s happening?”

Ryan asks his camera crew 'Did we get that?', Everyone nods, trying to stifle outright laughter, and then they move on to the next assignment. All our hapless contestant can do is look up longingly from their perch as the tender morsels of fame and fortune remain out of reach.

A few days later when the meat rots off the hook and falls into the gloomy pit, our buffoon realizes that in truth the meat was actually scrapple sprayed with Aqua-Net and painted to look like fame and fortune. They cry as they eat it anyway. Or maybe they go home and laugh at themselves, a bad effort but an effort nonetheless.

But that’s Idol. A few show up with talent and fewer still with the X factor. The rest need a sense of humor.

Hey, I can tell you from experience that everyone needs a sense of humor, including those who go all the way. It's after the show that the real work begins. They put you on a pedestal and then once the lights go off, it's up to you to keep your balance as people throw rocks at you and the media waits to see if you fall or not. In a way, those who get tossed early have it easy.

It’s late. I’m suffering jet lag after the trip from Atlanta. I have so much more to say, including my pet peeve list. I’ll put it all in the next post after Wednesday night’s show. For now, all I’ll say is, look out for bear traps.

My Idol Pet Peeves

1. Loud does not equal good.

2. Singing an original song, is the kiss of death...unless of course you happen to be Babyface.

3. Revealing clothing is not always a good choice. It’s rarely a good choice, in fact.

4. Singing when the judges ask you to stop, or switching songs when you see the judges are going to skewer you, also not good. Just say thanks and leave.

5. Staring at the judges, or off into space. Also keeping your eyes closed the whole time. What are you looking at? Focus.

6. Picking a key, or tone as some people call it. I gag when this happens. I gag worse when they stop and pick another one mid-verse. Sing the song!