Fancast: Inside TV

As I watch, I’m thinking uh-oh, once again, the innocent, open-heartedness of our Midwestern brethren is about to be splattered against the lens like an innocent open-hearted butterfly that happened to stray to close to the interstate. Seeing as how Chris comes from a place that is known more for it’s hard-working, good country folk and less for it’s glitz and glamour, it’s easy to understand why he feels like this is going to be “one of the most alternating experiences of his life” (no that’s not a typo, he said alternating). Chris pulls out all stops, including bribery, loving Kelly Clarkson, acrobatics, and crying. Do those make a great audition? No, but they make great television.

Cue the judges skewering… But wait! I expected them to lampoon him, if not harpoon him, then have him dragged bleeding and kicking from the room. Yet they turned a horrible audition into a joyous opportunity to make a reporter out of a sweet young man. I’m impressed. They took his sincerity and made him an offer Fox 42 couldn’t refuse. Not bad for a day’s work…

Next up was Jason Rich.

Keith Whitley would have been proud…almost. Unfortunately Jason did not prepare. H Here’s a big thing to consider: If Simon knows the lyrics to a country song and you don’t, you’re in massive trouble. When Simon said “you blew that,” he seemed to indicate Jason had indeed blown it. But somehow he got through, by the skin of his five o’clock shadow, and then we heard his girlfriend squeak with glee as her man emerged from the room holding his golden ticket.

If she only knew that in all likelihood Jason’s ticket to Hollywood is of the one-way variety, she might have squeaked in a lower, more contemplative octave. Hollywood week will put stress on and even destroy on any relationship. I’ve seen it, heard about it, and been a part of it. But I’ll save those stories for Hollywood week.

Let’s go back to what we’re seeing on TV, the auditions. Yes, it’s great TV. It’s also hard.

Imagine how nervous you would be in that situation; that is if you’ve ever imagined yourself in that situation. It’s not just the three judges and a cameraman picking at his nails waiting for you to finish. Often it’s a room crowded with people, multiple cameras and the hallowed images of the American Idols of yore looming before and behind you. The funny thing about the photos of the Idols in the background is that each one of them has their mouths open wide…looking like they want to be the first one to eat you if you mess up.

Fortunately for me, there were no huge heads waiting to feast on my bones, just Paula and two other guys I didn’t know at the time. Check that, a slew of other guys and girls I didn’t know…but more on that in a bit.

On tonight’s show, Paula seemed to be the lucky one. She appeared to have been able to avoid the worst of the morning’s offerings. I was happy to see her glide into the frame. As always she added some color to the room…and some color to Simon’ss cheeks. Obviously I’m a Paula fan. Now go back and check your DVR. Look for the moment Paula walks in between Simon and Randy. Simon looks at her like she’s a freshly brewed cup of tea…with breasts.

Enter Rachel Wicker.

It’s not often that we hear Simon admit defeat, especially before he’s had the chance to even be defeated, but Rachel seemed to bring the little girl out in everyone. She also brought out a great voice. But I was bored looking at her. She’s attractive, sure. Seems nice, okay. Where’s the spark I talked about in my previous post? Where’s the breath of fresh air that you feel waft across your face when Carrie or Faith or Shania sing? I hope that she makes the best out of the time she has to liven it up, or Hollywood week will be a long plane ride for a short trip.

Lady Morgue:

I think with her professional wrestling background, and the fact that she played a “heel” as it’s known in wrestling circles, LM knows she’s got a forgotten heirloom ring’s chance in a county morgue of seeing the light of day in Hollywood. The laugh, the make-up and the subsequent ass-kickin’ of Ryan Seacrest don’t bring the judges to any other conclusion but…NO!

I’ve got to say it again. I love Simon. Honesty is the best policy and boy, is he honest. Refreshingly honest. The truth is a great barometer. The exchange between him and Ryan is priceless. Both masters of the stinging quip, they exchange blows with the speed and grace of Olympic fencers.

Round 1 goes to Simon when he informs everyone in the country that Ryan only pretends to care about he people he’s interviewing and is rather insincere at almost every turn of the bend. Stop the presses! His the pause button! This is new information. We didn’t know that one. In Ryan’s defense, he’s actually a nice guy with a good heart. But when he dons the thick sheen of TV Host…well, you see the effect.

Round 2- goes to Ryan. In his usual style, he blasts the judges for being overpaid and under-worked. Not that the comment is particularly scathing, but Simon has no comeback Touché!

Samantha Sidley offers up a nice tidbit of soul and girl-next-door-who’s-never-had-a-date sex appeal for the judges. Besides the cutesy-baby thing she’s got going on, I really liked her. She came across as fresh, green, and a darling. She’s attractive in the same way Kelly was (and still is) attractive. She’s got a great voice. But will she fare well in other genres?

Let me go on record. I think she’s got something. I’m placing my bet now. Top 12, at least.

Then we get the contestant story. Finally! It’s about time.

Her name is Angelica Puente, and the Ken Burns photo-collage/voiceover story, the touching family story….then a nationwide visual of Randy in a bikini. Ouch. If she could kinda sing, there would be no way after that human interest piece she wouldn’t make it to Hollywood. She did a mediocre impression of Celine Dion. But within that said mediocrity was a nice voice, with power. Now all she has to do is figure out who Angelica is and what she should sound like and she may just have a shot at the big time.

I know that in previous posts I offered up a list of pet peeves, but I forgot about one of the biggies. Impressions bother me, and they bother the judges, too. What really gets under my skin is when people try and do impressions of singers who are one-of-a-kind. If I were a painter, I’d be foolhardy to try and recreate (in minute detail) the majesty of Van Gogh’s “Starry Night.” The critics would say, “It’s been done – and done better.”

The same applies for the singer who tries to recreate the soaring majesty of a Mariah Carey or a Celine Dion. Angelica got away with one, and if she hadn’t had the tear-jerking story to go with her, she’d be sitting on her couch right now -- like me (lol). Hey, at least I’m working while I’m doing it.

I-I-I wanna rock and roll all ni-i-ght…and so I fast forward my DVR until I get to David Cook.

Thank God for a musician. I will hand that to the “rockers” that show up with guitars. The music community is in desperate need of people who play instruments. The production-heavy, button pressing, hit makers are starting to show their wear and tear, and their flavor of the month songs melt away before they ever have the chance to take hold on our consciousness. That’s what made David a refreshing change – and somebody you want to root for. He proved that he can sing, play a few chords on guitar (I’m sure he can do more than the video showed) and that with a little bit of performance enhancement…he can go far.

That said, what is it that bothers me about modern rock?

I think it’s that fact that it all sounds kind of the same to me. Now, before you go getting all up in arms, I’m not making a blanket statement. Occasionally I come across some decent sounding songs. In general, though, I’m just not turned on by what’s being played. It wasn’t that long ago (or maybe it was) that I rocked to Gun’s and Roses, STP, Porno for Pyros, Jane’s Addiction, Primus, Metallica, and many more…but those bands seem like the last bastions of a good thing.

Green Day…cool, progressive. Maroon 5, I love their music even though the writers of Family Guy and American Dad (other favorites of mine) pooh-pooh them. I think rock has become predictable for the most part. I am open to being proved wrong, please…I encourage it! Tell me who’s out there on the top 40 radio stations (Rocking) that does not fall neatly into the categories of:

“Rrrr guys”- as in “It’s not overrrrrrr” (love ya Chris, but it’s true), or any ‘r’ that the guy from Creed sings. I mean come on, is it in the modern rock Bible that a disciple must hold his/her ‘r’ out in a vowel like style in order to truly rock? It was cool and made fresh when Eddie Vedder did it. But now its on the lips of far too many rockers and when they bounce around in my ear cavity it makes my brain sting.

Fake Emo boys- who wear super-tight jeans and more eyeliner than a group of pre-pubescent 8th grade girls. I understand that Emo is in, and am all for self-exploration and discovery…but not when you whine on my speakers dude. I think that there are those who are truly Emo (short for emotional), who choose to express their inner insert deep emotion here, through really unique style and life choices…I applaud these people for their bravery, inward focus, and desire to live outside the system. Then there are people who rip the style, feign deep-thought and whine over super-processed guitars and cymbals that drown out most of the other music…I generally sigh when I hear this and change the station.

There are more categories, I’m sure, but I am ignorant of them. Yes, I freely admit that my opinion (though strong) is ignorant on this subject. I am coming from a place of ignorance because I’ve been turned off by mainstream radio’s version of rock. Please someone educate me. I used to love rock, someone please suggest some new bands that I should listen to…seriously. Everyone needs s to rock a little.

Where were we?

Ah yes…rocking Idol.

Oh Johnny...
Thank goodness Paula’s hiccups distracted a little from the performance. I can’t in good conscious break this one down…it hurts my heart.

Have I ever said that I love the people that sit in the editing bays and make up the packages of all the bad singers signing the song of the day? Well I do. You guys and gals are awesome…and underpaid.

Lastly Leo Marlowe…thanks to Leo we can end the day on a high note. Finally someone who is comfortable with himself, and a great singer…

Miami and the rest of my story about the final audition tomorrow…I know I promised…but I’ve got to stretch it out till Hollywood week. I promise it will be worth it. Then I’ll get to the goings on in sunny Hollywood…and boy was it whacky and scary, and fun, and crazy, and numbing, and loooooong.

JG

homepage photo credit: Matt Beard