Fancast: Inside TV

Another thing that really “grinds my gears” is that I don’t understand how Jordan Sparks can have 30million people watch her win Idol, and then less than ½ of 1 percent of those people got the album the first week it was out! Does anyone else see the disconnect here? She’s a phenomenal vocalist, and made even more so by the fact that she’s so young. With the exception of Kelly and Carrie, where does Idol go astray after the lights go down?

I understand and applaud Idol for making a show that appeals to all peoples of all ages. It’s brilliant television, and I will always be proud to be a part of it. There was a time when I wasn’t, but it was before I put down my ego’s rebellion, and realized that the show ultimately gave me everything I’ve ever needed to make my way successfully through the entertainment industry. That being said, it’s after Idol where many a hope and dream are crushed, if not suppressed by the media and entertainment machine.

That’s where my head is at when I settle in to watch the latest Idol. I crack myself up by saying, “Bienvenido a Miami!”

The funny thing is that most people watching the intro to the show won’t actually get the Miami Vice reference. It was a great show, but who under 20 actually remembers it? Ouch. If you never saw it, don’t remember it, or want to watch it again, don’t worry. You can watch full episodes of the classic series on Fancast by clicking here.

Anyway. My initial impressions: Whoa! What a minx! Paula came to town looking like a million bucks. Too bad Simon and Randy didn’t get the memo...anyway, bring on the sacrificial lambs!

Shannon McGough:
Oh man…another belcher. There was one a few years back, and it was not exactly the most attractive quality in a contestant…much less a lady. Ouch…ouch…ouch. How did she win Okeechobee Idol? Oh, then she goes and sings anyway over the judge’s comments, keep digging. This one kinda hurts my heart…but only a little. I’m all for interventions when their needed…but it still stings to watch a persons ego, or worse, their deeply ingrained understanding of the world-and where they fit into it-fall apart before their very eyes. Shannon has suffered from being told she’s good, all of her life. Sadly, it comes as no surprise then that she is shocked to find out she’s either been surrounded exclusively by nice people (really nice people) or the tone-deaf…all of her life. Ouch. The tinkling sound of the glass of her old realty hitting the floor seems to follow her down the escalator and out of the building.

Robbie:
Former boy-bander. I think I like this guy. Not that my opinion really matters, but lets just pretend that it does (I do all the time)…he’s good, but I see him (sorry) in a boy-band. The performance was circa 1995, and just plain good. . Even the silly string that his family sprays at him is dated, oh boy. The saving grace of this audition for me was Paula’s quip about Simon’s waffling. If looks could kill…Paula 1, Simon 0. He goes through, and I’m feeling Vanilla

Note to self: Bad ideas in an audition:
Pan flute
Cursing
Not being able to spell melody (much less find it)
Wearing a Marvin the Martian shirt and then singing notes that are ‘out of this world’
Playing air harmonica

Ghaleb:
Is he really 27?? Get out of town! Oh well, at least he can play a guitar and even harmonica. By the way has anyone reading this ever tried to play harmonica? Holy @#%, it’s hard! I tried to pick it up on the casual tip…and fully understand the real reason why people put their hands over their mouth and the harmonica. No, it’s not to hold it, like we all think…it’s to hid the hideous things you have to do with your mouth to make that puppy sing. Ok so it’s not that dramatic, but still, I sucked at it and I give Ghaleb full marks for being able to do it with gusto. I’m not bowled over by the audition, and Paula hit it on the head as to why. He is talented though, and I think he’s gonna shake up Hollywood week when they let him accompany himself on guitar or harmonica.

Corliss and Brittany:
Corless can sing, but this is where song choice is very important. She can sing though…and well. Brittany, same story, but the song was more on the mark. Both of them have got to go through. They’re fun and they’re certainly not shy. Going to Hollywood! Not surprising.

My Big Audition:
When I last left off, I was thanking my lucky stars that Ken Warwick (one of Idol’s executive producers) and another guy whose name I’ll never know, didn’t throw me to the wolves. After my puzzling encounter, I made my way back to the holding room for a nice hot dish of hurry-up-and-wait.

Zzzzz…my wait was long and indeterminable. The waiting room we were assigned to was very stylish and modern…lots of brushed concrete, funky couches, and some artsy modern piece that hung from the ceiling. They didn’t have a clock in the room and I usually don’t wear a watch. I just wanted to get it over and done with. The wait was almost as traumatic as the actual process of auditioning.

Finally my name was called to go see the dreaded judges. In reality, I didn’t feel an ounce of dread; the wait had numbed any feeling out of me. Also, I didn’t know much about the process or the judges. I had been told that Paula would be there, but I still didn’t believe it. It’s all a bit fuzzy now (five frickin’ years later) but what stands out in sharp relief for me is the moment I didn’t lay eyes on Paula.

That’s right…didn’t.

Because of my father’s work, I grew up around well-known show business and political figures. So celebrities didn’t impress me. As far as I’m concerned, we’re all the same. The only things that separate us are the labels we wear and those that are placed upon us. Which is why it was a little ridiculous that I couldn’t bring myself to look at Paula when she strode purposely out of the audition room.

Or course there was a reason. A) Because she was forever my girl; or B) She had to go to the bathroom and I was already in line for the bathroom, one ahead of her.

In any event, she snuck up on me.

I was minding my own business, about to take my “pre-performance whiz” (I shouldn’t have told you that, but it’s true, it’s a ritual, and that’s what I call it) when lo and behold, as my bladder is ready to loose any tension left in my body…Paula showed up.

I think I glanced at her, realized it was her, and then stared at the floor. It happened very quickly, in about a nanosecond. I couldn’t believe Paula Abdul was behind me. I couldn’t believe how badly I had to go. (Knowing Paula, she probably had to go pretty badly too.) And though my chivalrous instinct was to let her go ahead of me, I didn’t know if I’d be able to hold out, if you know what I mean. And I had to audition! Well, I asked if she wanted to go ahead of me. She declined…sweetly.

What was I supposed to do? Force her in? No, that wouldn’t have been wise. The beefy gentleman at her side, aka her bodyguard, would not have taken kindly to that.

‘Uh, thanks’ I said and went in to the bathroom.

Then panic set in.

As soon as the door closed behind me, I realized that I was suddenly Paula’s opening act. I was setting the tone for her bathroom experience. Oh God, so much pressure, so many thoughts rushing at me:

-What if I whiz on the seat, or just miss altogether?
-Oh, God…please, please don’t pass gas in here the smell will never dissipate in time.
-What’s this puddle at the base of the toilet, I didn’t do that. Will she think I did?
-This place is a mess, should I use that mop in the corner…
-Oh God, now I can’t pee cause I’m too nervous…etc.

My whole world revolved around not completely ruining my shot at the big time over a poor bathroom performance. I wasn’t even in the room yet and I was sweating. As I exited the bathroom (hopefully left none the worse for wear) I prayed that my first impression wouldn’t be a toilet seat left in the up position. Paula didn’t say anything, I think I smiled with eyes averted, and got out of Dodge.

Unfortunately the audition shows are running for a month…so too must my audition tale.

Back to tonight’s show…

Suzanne Toon:
The sappy guitar heralds the contestant story. Single mother, beautiful daughter, and a great voice…great story. I have hope for her and once she beats the nerves…she’ll be even better.

(sigh) I’m getting bored of writing about each contestant…you can go to other sites to catch that stuff.

Here are the highlights-

Siesha Mercado:
Powerhouse, story, beautiful, no surprise

Where are the guys?

Ouch.

Ouch.

Carroy Bethea:
His hair looks like what mine would look like if I tried to do complex calculus without the aid of a calculator.

Grant Rhea:
Sounds exactly like what Whitney would sound like singing that song nowadays.

Julie Dubela:
Set up right from the beginning. Confident, but the judge’s reactions show that she’s in for trouble. It turns salty…quick. Oh, then she tries to sing over the judge’s disapproval. Ahhhh. Oops. Then she complains her way out of the building…bitterly.

Brandon Black:
Gets the “Plow Through It” award. Wow. I mean wow. It was the single greatest audition to watch in Idol history. He’s the total package and will definitely make it back to the finale.

Oh my Gosh! How many audition shows are there? Damn.

I'm going to be busy. Well, here’s to massive advertising revenues for Fox.

Until next time…

JG

homepage photo credit: Matt Beard