Fancast: Inside TV

Ah, Hollywood.

The first thing I noticed was the odd brown-yellow muck. Now, if you’ve ever been to Hollywood, and especially if you live here, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Smog. The word just looks ugly doesn’t it? Well, it lives up to its name, and in the Summer when it doesn’t rain for months on end (which, like immortality, is a blessing and a curse) the Smog gets particularly bad. It blankets the city, and lays on top of it like an oversexed bear trying it’s hardest to fall into a premature hibernation. The stuff doesn’t move, and so it was in this manner that I was first introduced to LA. It was hard to see downtown…but that was irrelevant, because I didn’t even know what downtown looked like anyway.

As soon as I got to the luggage carousel, and without knowing anyone, I could sense the prescience of other Idol hopefuls. It was then that I realized that, for the first time in my life I now knew what it must be like to be “The Highlander”. Fortunately for all concerned, I had no idea how to use a sword, and neither did they. It would have been one hell of a battle though. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted to leap around the luggage carousel, and do acrobatic tricks on it. Imagine all the cool sword fights you could have. Weaving in and out of boxes, cheap luggage, maybe a rabid pet or two. I dare you to tell me that it’s not sexy to see a young woman wield a sword with the grace of a wild Panther! I was 23, I probably would have taken a gut wound just to get her number.

I digress.

So it was with a non-lethal struggle that we managed to get all of our luggage together and find our Idol representative.

Camera time.

As soon as we got within a 20 ft radius of the Peter Pan bus that was taking us to our destination, the cameras came to life. I swear, the Idol folks must have shot 3 months worth of footage…and it all got edited down to about a few weeks worth. Better to be safe than sorry I guess, but I’m still not quite used to being stared at by a camera, and was even less so then. It’s funny how people act when their on camera, especially for the first time. Some will go wild, and become overly colorful versions of themselves. Others clam up. I remember being calm, and so interested in “Hollywood” that I barely remember there being a camera on me. Sensing my general aura of contemplative wonder, the camera man must have gone off in search of fresh exhibitionist to kill.

The Hollywood sign is not nearly as cool as it seemed in photos. Small actually, much cooler from close-up, but I’m sure phrases like “What? Where…what…honestly? Oh, all right…what’s next? Have we seen anyone famous yet?” have been uttered in the signs general direction for years.

Into Hollywood we wound. It was beautiful. For years I had heard that Hollywood was a bit seedy, and that Hollywood blvd was as well known for it’s walk of fame as it’s was for it’s sex shops. Which is why, when the bus finally stopped, I was a bit surprised to find myself in a beautiful little town. Beautifully paved and lined roads with brick front shops as far as the eye could see.

Not just any shops either. Armani Exchance, American Apparel, Coffee shops, upscale restaurants, and a generally hip and happening place. I was amazed to see that there was such a thing as diagonal cross-walks at the intersections. How had this brilliant concept not made it to the East Coast? It was at one such intersection that I looked up at a street sign that read “Welcome to Downtown Pasadena”. Ah, that must be a small hamlet in Hollywood, I assumed with glee.

Wrong. Hollywood was a long way to the West, and I wasn’t to see it for another month.

The 164

In this weeks episode we find a perfectly (a little too perfectly) coiffed Ryan Seacrest telling us that we’re in for a whole new Hollywood week. He isn’t lying. The new Hollywood experience is much different from the old.

The 164 contestants that cram on to the stage learn that they have approximately one week to wow the judges and make it to the top 50. Just a few short years ago I was sitting with roughly the same number of people as we were being told that the very next day that half of us would be sent home.

This year the contestants can “take the risk” of playing instruments…for some of the contestants that’s like asking them to “take the risk” of breathing. In my year, we couldn’t have played an instrument, due to the fact that it would imbalance the scales.

Ugh, I feel like I’m slipping into one of those “Back in my day…” speeches. Moving on!
I’ve pledged not to do play-by-play analysis, so I’ll just stick to the highlights and observations.

Unfortunately instruments don’t make you sing better. In fact they, with proper maintenance, are always in tune, and will make you sound worse if you aren’t…as a few of our hopefuls, and about 30 million of our viewers found out. Drums? Honestly.

David Hernandez shows the rest of the pack how it’s done vocally, I’m not sure about his stage prescience, (Simon seemed to like it) but he seems athletic so, to an extent, that can be learned. Could have been nerves. A good performance that should set the bar.

The contestants have a trio and floor monitors this year. What I would have given. There’s something so professional, so un-karaoke about having a band. We had a great piano player (Kevin), and a whole lot of empty stage. Nothing to hide behind, sometimes not even music to sing along with.

Amanda Overmeyer, I totally dig her voice, especially with 20 staples in her head. I think that her voice is a little one-dimensional though. Simon, hit’s it on the head though. She’s great, but needs to prove that she has “different shades” as Somin says.

Ghaleb- Could be a HUGE Latin singing star. A Gigolo for sure, but a poor key choice, and the fact that he looked like he was in pain, didn’t help win over the main lady (no not Simon)

I’m doing play-by-play aren’t I? Ah well.

Josiah sits down, after the big set-up package at the keyboard and makes us all feel really good about ourselves. I love him. So do the judges. How could you not love him? He’s the feel-good story of the year, and I hope that he continues to impress us with his hard-fought wins. The good thing about living in your car (and I say this with all sincerity) is that you don’t have a lot of distractions. I’m not surprised that he’s a good musician…he hasn’t had a choice. I cut down my cable platform for the very same reasons, I barely watch TV anymore because I’m focused on being a better musician. If I lived in my car, I’d be Jimi Hendrix.

David Cook. Will he be this years Blake Lewis, sans beatbox? He’s got the perfect rock, and was he eating blue ice pops before he sang? He barely made it through, however I don’t think this guy is going anywhere anytime soon, he’ll be in the top 50.

After Ryan slaughters Chris Daughtry’s name (something pronounced like “Door-tree”)
We see that everyone and their Grandmother decides to pick the mostly too-high Brian Adams song. Canada reeks it’s subtle revenge on America.

Kyle Ensley, this years official Clady-in-waiting. It’s more of an insult to Clay actually, so I take that back. I have no idea how he got to Hollywood. Actually, yes I do. This is what they wanted to do. Hack him off at the knees in front of millions.

Was there some rift between Simon and Paula? Is Randy playing referee? Why is he in the middle? Who cares? As Paula tries to sugar-coat, Simon tells the audience the obvious, and steps out of the auditorium for a smoke.

Oh, Hollywood Round.

When I first arrived on the Pasadena Civic Center Stage (where the kids are now) I was loving every minute of it. Of course we had to sit and wait around a lot, but there were no rehearsals. I’m pretty sure we got to pick whatever song we wanted. Each of us went out and sang in front of our peers, along with the judges, a capella.

I remember running around the downtown district, with only the money I had brought with me looking for something impressive to wear. I’ve always prided myself on being fashionable, but I am a guy after all and we’re not exactly known for our fashion sense (there are exceptions, and I’m sure about 2 or 3 of them just went through your head, but you know what I’m trying to say here).

Lo and behold. Armani Exchange. This was the big time for me at the time. I had seen it in the mall back home, but dared not enter its hallowed threshold. I just didn’t think I looked haunted enough to wear their clothing. The photographs of the boys and girls wearing their clothes told tales of lust, mingled with the subtle odor of regret. I had (or thought I didn’t have) either. Boldly I set forth to find something that would make me a better singer, or at least look like one. I settled on a blue, jeanish outfit. Oh, you can laugh, but it looked good at the time, and I still have it in my closet at home…I’ll make millions off of it someday!

The Cuts

A chorus line of contestants…well, line up to face the firing squad. What struck me funny is that Simon looked like he was texting in the middle of Perrie Cataldo’s audition. It’s always painful to watch this part. The contestants go all out for the judges, mostly to their detriment, and then we have to watch their hearts break before the camera. To top it all off they then try and play it off in the aftermath interviews.

I couldn’t imagine having gone through that first exciting week of Hollywood, just to go back home with my head hung lo. It was hard enough watching my album tank and my film bomb, but at least I had a name and a loyal legion of fans that supported me (and still do) through it all.

Amy Catherine…Love will bring you back…home. That’s what you get for choosing a vocal coach, who isn’t a vocal coach. Lesson learned.

Ouch, they sure know how to break hearts. Namely, mine.

Finally the human interest package with Angela. Just lost her Father, and is separated from her daughter. Wow, and now she’s in the final cuts. I smell a bit of a set up. They cant send her home! Wow…contrary to the story, she gets the boot. Ouch.

This is interesting…there are no grouping’s of 30. It’s a straight cut to the 24.
Backup singers too. Strangely enough they aren’t working during David Archuleta’s audition. I love David. Especially since he’s singing so well for only being 16. I’m interested to see what the grueling pace of Idol does to him though. I think that he’s got what it takes to make the top 12, however his voice will suffer, and I hope that he takes good care of it. Dr. Sugarman should do the trick for him. He did for us when we were hurting.

The backup singers didn’t’ seem to work during Kyle Ensley’s safe audition that saw him through, or during Jeffrey Lampkin’s awful song choice.

Note to all the singers out there…unless you’re a rapper. Don’t cover your face with the microphone. It does not make you look cool, it makes you look like you have a microphone growing out of your face. We want to see you, and your beautiful/handsome faces. Notice that none of the people you idolize do it. Unless you idolize a rapper, and not even all of them do it. On top of making it look like you’re a conjoined twin, it makes your voice sound awful, and really ticks off the audio guys. Joey Catalano learns this lesson the hard way.

Siesha…finally, the backup singers get a work out. She worked it out, though. Could do with less runs, but she pushed through the pain and the sickness. A true performer.

Is it just me or does Carly Smithson have a Cher thing going on. I mean that in a good way. Her voice doesn’t have as much vibrato to it, but I am worried (for whatever it’s worth) about her yelling her way into the top 24. That works for now, and sounds passionate, but will not last her through the latter rounds.

WOW, Paula finally breaks the mold and says no to a girl that probably should have gone through. Wow, I wonder why? So the girl made a bad song choice…I think she actually has a great voice. Country would suit her perfectly, once you toned down the pageant look.

Josiah is the sacrificial lamb for the last segment, and so is the band. It seems like he’s about to go home! Lucky for him, he only gets a slap on the wrist for being a little difficult, and gets to go on. Rightfully so.

Tomorrow: more Hollywood, past and present.

homepage photo credit: Matt Beard