Why not laugh a little? Here's a week's worth of jokes from Conan O'Brien.
"The New York Times says that NY's Governor Spitzer is linked to a prostitution ring. Governor Spitzer responded by saying, 'I violated my obligations to my family and I violated my sense of right and wrong.' Spitzer also admitted violating someone named Amber."
"This Friday President Bush is going to be in New York to give a speech on the U.S. economy. The speech is made up of only two words: 'It blows.'"
"The past few days Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all claimed that they are the person who should answer the phone at the White House if it rings at 3 am. Meanwhile, most Americans think the White House should just get a receptionist."
"John McCain just announced that later this month he might take a trip to Iraq. Which might be a bad idea because the last time he went to a war zone we didn't hear from him for 5 years."
"The country of Jamaica is considering passing a law that would legalize marijuana. A spokesperson for Jamaica said, 'We meant to do this years ago but we were way too high.'"
"The latest show business rumor is that Star Jones has broken up with her husband Al Reynolds. When asked about it, Star said, 'It's not the first time I've gotten rid of 200 pounds in one day.'"
"In Poland a man was fired after he was caught having sex with a vacuum cleaner. When asked why he did it, the man said, "I felt sorry for the old bag."
"Yesterday the New York Times reported that New York governor Eliot Spitzer was a customer of high-end prostitution ring and that the prostitutes knew him as 'Client 9.' Not surprisingly, Clients 1 through 8 were Charlie Sheen."
"Republicans in New York have given Governor Spitzer an ultimatum that if he doesn't resign they'll push for impeachment. Governor Spitzer responded by saying, 'How 'bout you just spank me and we'll call it even.'"
"If Governor Spitzer does resign over his prostitution scandal, he will reportedly go into private practice as a lawyer. When asked why he wanted to practice law again, Spitzer said, 'I like businesses where you charge by the hour and screw your clients.'"
"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all been claiming that THEY'RE the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3AM. McCain said, 'I'm the most qualified because I'm usually up at that hour peeing anyway.'"
"A new study claims that New York State drinking water contains dozens of pharmaceutical drugs. A spokesperson for New York State said that pharmaceutical drugs in the drinking water are not dangerous unless your erection lasts for more than 4 hours."
"In Mexico, an 800-pound man tried to take his girlfriend out on her birthday but the date was ruined by a minor accident. Apparently the 800-pound man accidentally ate her."
"Paris Hilton has been spotted in Los Angeles wearing an engagement ring. Jewelry experts say it's a beautiful ring - the kind that says: 'Sorry fellas - this skank is taken.'"
"New York's Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned today and to make things official, Governor Spitzer had to write a letter of resignation to New York's Secretary of State. Out of habit, Spitzer addressed the letter, 'Dear Penthouse.'"
"Because Eliot Spitzer is resigning as Governor of New York, that means Hillary Clinton has lost another superdelegate. On the brightside: Bill Clinton has gained a super wingman."
"Republican presidential candidate John McCain says he's trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. He's an older gentleman that's the idea there. You'll be hearing more of those in the next nine months because that's our take. Until he gets a whore."
"A woman in Colorado was given a $1000 fine for dying her poodle pink. Apparently there's a law in Colorado against making a poodle look even gayer."
"Britney Spears has agreed to make an appearance on an upcoming episode of the show 'How I Met Your Mother.' Meanwhile, Jamie-Lynn Spears is going to appear on the show 'How I'm Your Mother But Barely Older Than You.'"
"This week, airport security stopped a woman from getting on a plane with a skeleton in her luggage. The woman's name: Mrs. Larry King."
"A new study has shown that obese men have more trouble than normal-sized men getting an erection. The study also found that obese men have more trouble finding their erection."
"The identity of Eliot Spitzer's prostitute has been revealed. The prostitute that Eliot Spitzer had his affair with is a young woman from New Jersey. When asked why she slept with New York's ex-governor, she said, 'Because New Jersey's ex-governor is into guys.'"
"It turns out the call girl linked to Eliot Spitzer is also an R&B singer and she said in an interview that her latest song was inspired by a guy. She didn't say which guy, but the song is called, 'Bald, Creepy Governor.'"
"In an interview, the call girl linked to Spitzer said that she doesn't want to be thought of as a monster. She said, 'Unless of course someone has $4000 and they're into role playing.'"
"Political experts are saying that before Eliot Spitzer's scandal, Hillary Clinton had considered him as a possible running mate. Now Hillary's considering Spitzer as a possible husband."
"Sean 'Diddy' Combs says he's going to start a car service that will help drunk celebrities get home safe. He says he's tired of watching celebrities get really drunk and do stupid things like change their name to 'Diddy.'"
"This week in Oregon, a 100 year-old woman renewed her driver's license which makes it valid for another 8 years. Experts say now it's a race between the woman and her license to see who will expire first."
"This morning President Bush gave an optimistic speech about the economy even though the dollar fell even more, oil hit record highs and jobs continued to be lost. So when asked what part of the economy is working Bush said, 'hookers are doing well.'"
"According to The New York Times, prosecutors suspect that Governor Eliot Spitzer may have used money from his campaign fund to pay for his prostitute. When reached for comment, Spitzer said, 'To be fair, I did get her vote.'"
"Yesterday Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a private talk and agreed to stop attacking each other so harshly. Hillary told Barack, 'We should pretend to like each other just like Bill and I do.'"
"The Pentagon just published a report that officially confirms that there was never any link between Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda. The report is entitled 'Oops � Our Bad.'"
"The U.S. Border Patrol says that an increasing number of Mexicans are trying to get into America by boat. They say the hard part is getting the boat over the fence."
"This week in Australia, an 81 year-old grandmother marked her birthday by jumping out of a plane. Not on purpose, the grandmother thought she was using the plane's bathroom."
"The U.S. Forest Service says that marijuana plants are spreading through California's national forests � and soon marijuana will cover over 6,000 acres of public land. Even better: The Grand Canyon is slowly filling with tequila."
"Recently in Arkansas, a woman gave birth to her 17th child and immediately afterwards, she said she wants to have more children. At which point, her vagina got up and left the room."