Fancast: Inside TV

Every season it begins the same. Slick promos with the judges you know and love touting the wares of the new kids on their block. No, not those kids, and yes the chopping block.

- ‘It’s the best season yet’/ ‘You were amazing’/ ‘Absolutely atrocious’ - Simon

- ‘That was hot’/ ’Yeah dawg’/ ‘That was not it dude’ -Randy

- ‘You’re a star/ ‘That was right from your heart’/ (uncontrollable laughter)- Paula

Some of us wonder if all the hubbub is actually true, and in all honesty most of us don’t really care. We just wanna get an earful of the baddies. Ah yes, the poor souls who offer themselves as sacrifice on the altar of Simon the destroyer. If you go back to my first blog you’ll see the pain that I suffer each year, as I have to watch these people get hacked off at the knees for the pleasure of the masses. I now know what it must have been like to be an audience member at The Coliseum…as the Christians did battle (if you could call it that) with the lions.

When you’re really bad they’ll even show you on the finale. My favorite from the, oh how do it put it…’less talented’ group…was the girl from Philly. A part of me hurts inside because Philly is my hometown, and you never want to see someone from your hometown go down like that…but this was an exception. I forget here name, but certainly can’t forget the glitter, or the star earrings, or the profanity that spewed from her mouth when she was told that she wouldn’t be making it to Hollywood. She even got a bit of a press tour out of it…yes the vultures swooped down and took as much, if not more advantage of her than the actual show did. Such is the way of the first round of Idol.

To Hollywood then…

Here is where we separate the wheat from the chaff every year. As a matter of fact I think I said that in my blog when I spoke about H’Wood week. Go back and check if you dare.

We had already seen the beasts, and witnessed the beauties like Carly, like David A., and countless others who we latched onto from the start. H’Wood week is always where the flame gets turned up and the drama gets stirred up. My favorite story from Hollywood was the little English boy that could…even though he wasn’t English.

You remember him. The “homeless” young lad who had only his guitar and his car to keep him company on lonely nights. As soon as he opened up his mouth, the judges came to a standstill. He sounded like he was from across the pond and Hollywood week was no different. He Brit his way through the selections, and what was once novel became more of a grovel. Ugh, forgive me for that rhyme.

Our hearts ached as we saw him struggle through the difficulty of his own uncertainty. We wondered why he chose to sing everything with a Brit accent, as well as close his eyes put one hand on his chest and one hand out every time. I personally wondered if Green Day was preparing a style lawsuit. If those don’t actually exist, I bet Green Day could pull one of. The most perplexing piece of puzzlement came for me on the eve of the “last performance” before the judges made their picks for the top thirty. The lad in question just couldn’t seem to get it all together with the band. Now there’s something that you need to know about Ricky Minor, Debra Byrd, and Michael Oreland. They are extremely accommodating. They will go to the ends of the Earth for you in order to help you get your music right. So why the insurmountable trouble that led to our young lad calling it quits in the middle of the night? Tears, and sympathy all around, until he made the fatal mistake of dismissing the band from the stage. Eww. You just don’t do that. Perhaps thanking them for trying, and asking them if they’d mind letting you do it a capella (while they sat and watched) would have been the better tactic. Completely dis-missing them from the stage…just rude, and it came back to bite him in the bum when he was shamed by the judges for it and ultimately left out of the top 30.

Ah Hollywood!

To the top 30…

Even more Wheat chaffing!

Every season this is where it reeeeeeealy starts to get good. 15 guys and 15 girls. The cream of the creamed crop. My highlight for the boys was without a doubt the inimitable (unless you go to some of the more fabulous shows in Vegas) Danny Noriega. This guy is hilarious. Yes he’s as gay as the day is long and it’s one of his best qualities. He’s like a premium blend of tea and coffee…that either offends the palate or elicits rave reviews. Rosie O loves it, would drink it every day if she could…even served it on one of her cruises. We always welcomed him with open arms at TVGuide because not only is he a really nice guy, but he’s great TV. Who else in the history of Idol has out-sassed Simon? It was as fascinating as it was awkward. I could have sworn I saw Ryan taking notes, because no one has ever gotten to Simon like DN did. I think the highlight (one of many) that stick out for me, actually the two were when he tried to burn the studio down with his rendition of “These boots are made for walking”, and then tried to burn a hole in Simon with his “Somebody isn’t li-kin-it-very-much” comment. Brilliant, and an instant classic in Idol lore.

As for the girls…well they were much maligned from the outset, and for the first time in a long time everyone predicted a boy to win it early on. I think the one that stuck out for me most was Carly. She was the great Irish hope, and deserved to be exactly where she was. A vocalist for sure, she wowed us with her steely voice and cool demeanor. I for one was impressed at how well she handled the situation…she seemed like it was no big deal to her…

Which leads me to the failed scandal attempt perpetrated by the media this season.
Remember when everyone was in a tizzy about the fact that some of the Idols (if not all of the top 10) had some sort of professional experience in the music/entertainment industry before? What a crock! I laughed my way through most of the articles because what most people failed to see was that if the idols didn’t have experience, even experience at the highest levels…then it would have made for a very drab show. There is an art to entertaining and then there is an art to entertaining in front millions of viewers, live, and under the twin tormentors of pressure and exhaustion. I applaud the producers for picking out the people who would serve the voting public the best. Good on them if they had experience, or record deals, or appearances on other reality shows. They weren’t just rubes with stars in their eyes, they were people who in some form or another had been working all their lives to get to the very place they were. Finally they had the opportunity to shine, and shine in front of the entire world.

The first major scandal came when we found out about David Hernandez and his so-called seedy past, then promptly voted him into the top 12. Good for you David, if Academy Award-nominated Diablo Cody can do it, so can you. I’m serious. He’s a nice guy, who was just trying to make his way. I wish him all the best.

The top 12…finally!!!

Did it seem like forever until we found out whom we were going to have in our top 12. Idol has made a habit of dragging it out for us over the past few seasons (and who can blame them when you’re making $750,000 for a 30-second commercial) and I don’t know about you but I was almost ready to just have an Idol and be done with it. Not really, but what if they just randomly picked an Idol on the next show and then gone to credits?? That would have been hilarious, and tragic at the same time. I could just hear Ryan saying ‘in a break with tradition…David Hernandez you’re our new American Idol…goodnight everybody’!! A quick pan of the shocked faces of the contestants ( the glazed expression of Castro) and the dismayed audience, and ‘shwing’ the 19 symbol comes up. Classic, and also completely impossible.

The only other real shock that stood out to me during the top 12 (besides the early dismissals of Carly and Michael), was Paula’s flub. Folks, she works hard for the money…so you better treat her right. Poor Paula, she let the cat out of the bag and confirmed suspicions held by many over the years. Yes the judges do see the rehersals…but they don’t judge based on them. An important fact. This is a live show that needs to move along, the judges don’t have the luxury of seeing the performance and then hemming and hawing over what to say. They get the gist of the performance form the rehearsal and then are able to give a full and robust critique based on the live performance. Paula was jumping the gun during a very rushed and surprisingly disorganized show of American Idol. Cut her some slack, and know that the same mistake won’t ever be made again. After all there’s no such thing as bad press, right?

David vs David…

Eeeeeeeeeveryone thought that DA was gonna take it. They might not have wanted it so, but they all assumed it would be so. AI has it’s first rocker-king! I’m very interested to see how many rockers come out of the woodwork next season, now that they know it’s possible to top the pop, if you will.

All-in-all I’d have to say it was a fantastic season filled with the usual up’s and down’s, scandals and heartbreaks, Paula moments, and Simonisms. Where will they go next year is my question? How many more bells and whistles can they hang from the rafters in order to keep a waning audience interested? I’m sure that they have something up their sleeves…and I for one and excited to see it all play out.

It was an absolute pleasure writing my thoughts out for you this season, dear reader, and I hope we can do the dance sometime again. In the meantime keep your head up, your eyes open, and you minds sharp. You never know when fortune will be looking the other way, giving you the perfect opportunity to steal its wallet.

Justin

Homepage photo credit: Matt Beard Network