By Scott Patrick Wagner
Fancast.com
Tonight's episode of Brothers & Sisters, "Moral Hazard," was an arduous example of how 55 minutes of overwrought ponderousness could lead to 5 minutes of good stuff. If the difference between a buy-out and a merger sounds like fascinating drama to you, then you're welcome to the first 92% of the show; the rest of you sit tight till we get to the good stuff.
None of Kitty and Rob Lowe's embryos are viable, so they have to give her uterus a month off before they try again. But they're allowed to spend the month a-tryin' naturally, so they fornicate like bandidos. But she has to keep her legs up in the air afterward to "marinate." I won't make a joke about basters. Sarah and Uncle Sol and the Guy from Wings spend relentless amounts of time still being depressed about the 20 million smackeroos that Ojai Foods is now in debt. They have to tell Nora, whose face goes from Flying Nun to Places in the Heart in a nanosecond. Now everybody's depressed except Justin, who is hemming and hawing around Rebecca, his perceived sister. Because Little Justin clearly wants to find a landing strip in Rebeccaville,
Big Justin is feeling like the greatest perv sibling of all time. He confesses his feelings to Kevin, who confirms that Justin is the greatest perv sibling of all time. Kevin, meanwhile, has been hemming and hawing around Scotty, because he feels so guilty for having offered Scotty that unromantic unwedding proposal. But Scotty reassures him that he's happy with the merger they're having every night, and doesn't need the kind they get at City Hall. Then he puts his legs up to marinate — no, wait, that was Kitty. Sorry.
Then everybody starts confessing everything. Justin confesses his pervy sibling feelings to Rebecca. Rebecca confesses her non-Walker-ness to Justin. (And Justin calls her a lying-slut-who's-just-like-her-lying-slutty-mother, and storms out. Way to go, almost-perv!) Then Sarah confesses to Tommy and Holly that she lost 20 million smackeroos, and throws herself on the mercy of their sort-of-in-the-family wine company. And then Uncle Sol drunk-drives his car into a tree, and — when Kevin comes to bail him out of the drunk tank — confesses that he's an aging homosexual. The rest of the world goes, "Finally!" while Uncle Sol bemoans all the time he's wasted not cruising guys.
Sarah and Wings Guy say stuff to each other. It could be "I still dig you" or it could be "Get out of my face." It doesn't really matter anymore; they've said them both over and over, sometimes horizontally. I don't know if they're on or off again right now; I confess to no longer care. Slutty Lying Holly and Tommy come to Sarah and Nora and said that Walker Winos could help out Ojai Foods . . . but only with a merger. (Dah dah dah DAHHHHH!) I guess that's really dramatic because it makes Holly a Chairslut of the Board for both companies, or something. Whatever. Nothing like talk of mergers to make the hair on the back of my armpits stand on end.
Finally, we get to the last five minutes, when Kevin returns home to Scotty, and recounts (not again!) the dysfunctional events of the day. But he realizes in the recounting how much he cares about Scotty. And he says this really cool thing like, "I even love the things about you that I hate" (sounded good when he said it). And then he gets down on one knee and gay-proposes for real. And Scotty accepts. And the camera pulls back as music swoons. And a thousand ultraconservatives are having conniptions, but everyone else is feeling better about the 55 minutes they endured.
