Fancast: Inside TV

By Bob Hellman
The Biggest Loser Correspondent

As always, last night’s Biggest Loser didn’t disappoint. This second week of the couples incarnation was a treat. (Sorry for the joke, but I love treats) Some questions though boggle my mind, one of which is Neill. He spells his name with two L’s. Is that overdoing it, like a symptom of overeating? For last night’s episode, as usual, I Supersized my take out fast food. Now look, I’m not going to make fun of overweight people, it’s too easy. Too easy to say things like “Have you ever said the words, I’m full.”

Personally, I’m 150 lbs, average weight, but I did work with Roseanne for a few years and gained 35 lbs. as a result. So I can relate to the trauma of being overweight. Trainers Jillian and Bob teamed up in an attempt to train everyone better. It failed. Mallory actually gained a pound and the overall weight loss of everyone left a lot to be desired. No one lost any double digit poundage compared with the first week when everyone was shedding at an alarming rate. I wondered why no one in their down time isn’t having a secret operation of liposuction? Jackie and her son Dan won the weigh-in challenge when both lost eight pounds each.

Last night came what we were all expecting at some point, someone collapsed. Neill. He couldn’t handle the treadmill and the treadmill won the war. He comes off as lazy and not only the trainers, but everyone seems to be on his case about it. One thing I do have to mention is I would like to know how much money 24 Hour Fitness pays for this two hour commercial. Could they have their name advertised in more places on this show? There was a good challenge set up for the heavyweights. Temptation. It killed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, and it killed Mallory on the Biggest Loser. Here’s what happened… They set up an outdoor buffet that even made me drool. Fried chicken, grilled sausages and more desserts than you’d see on the Viennese table at a lavish Bar-Mitzvah. The contestants were told that whoever consumed the most calories in four minutes would win five thousand dollars.

I was ready to watch them all devour everything. I paused the tivo, took my McFlurry out of the freezer and got ready. The catch being that the weigh-in was the next day. I was actually glad to see that only three people ate. Mallory ate plenty while her husband

By Bob Hellman
Comedy Correspondent

After reading the earlier post about the reading of Neil Simon's play "The Odd Couple," I was reminded of its sitcom adaptation and then inspired to come up with a list of the 10 greatest sitcoms ever. Is it the definitive list? You decide. It was mighty hard to pick just 10, I'll tell you that.

How did I do it? Easy. I’ve been watching television since the day after I was born. That makes me an expert. When I was in grade school I used to tape record (cassettes, remember those?) sitcoms and listen to them while my parents thought I was sleeping. Then, in junior high, I would rush home to watch Match Game. By high school I planned my schedule so I’d be home just in time to catch the last 45 minutes of Love Boat.

Since it was to be only 10 sitcoms that I featured, many of my faves were left off the list. Taxi, Sanford & Son and of course, The Addams Family. So, those above credentials, combined with the fact that I own many television sets makes me duly qualified to have composed the list of the 10 best sitcoms ever -- according to me! Agree? Disagree? Let me know.

10) The Larry Sanders Show. Behind the scenes of a late night talk show. Timing is everything, especially here, Sanders hit the air at a perfect time. During the Johnny Carson retirement era. It was the first show within a show. Jeffrey Tambor’s “Hank” is one of the funniest characters ever on television. I still find myself saying “Hey Now” all the time. Rip Torn as the Executive Producer who was always putting out a fire on the show could make you laugh by just looking into the camera. Garry Shandling will never top this role, he truly was a neurotic self centered talk show host. It was also the first show to have celebrities playing themselves every week and we could actually believe that The Larry Sander’s Show was a real talk show.

9) The Munsters. Yes, The Munsters. How can you not laugh at a show with a family like that? They were regular people with regular problems trapped in the bodies of a monster, a vampire, a warlock, and a witch. The fact that they were placed in everyday society can’t be topped. I wish I was in that network pitch meeting. “It’s a show about an average family. They just happen to be a Frankenstein clone, a vampire, a warlock, and a witch.”

8) Cheers. While when it aired I can honestly say I wasn’t a big fan. Then I started watching the show in repeats. It was there that the fantastic writing shined for me. Funny dumb jokes, brilliant storylines, these characters seemed like people we all knew. Also, the fact that it all took place in a single setting, the bar, is a true testament to the writing and acting skills.

7) M*A*S*H. Yes, a sitcom about surgeons during a war is funny. Even if it did last 17 years longer than the Korean War it was to take place during. While it may have gotten preachy at times, it was still good. Even when this show went through cast changes it maintained hilarity. But still, the original cast was the best. And how can you not love surgeons that make their own booze?

6) I Love Lucy. The granddaddy of every sitcom. A simple formula that has been used in almost every sitcom since that show. Especially Seinfeld. Every episode had the same theme, get into trouble, get into more trouble, get out of trouble. This show would also be ranked higher by me if not for the horrible spin-offs it had.

5) The Honeymooners. Great writing. That can be attested to the fact that practically every episode took place on the same set, Ralph and Alice’s apartment. Not to mention that in practically every episode they wore the same clothes. And may I say that Ed Norton as the “Man From Mars” will be funny forever.

4) Curb Your Enthusiasm. I know what you’re thinking, finally a recent show has made the list! Well that’s because it’s the only recent show that’s funny. Larry David is a genius. His character and the fact that plenty of the show isn’t scripted is the mark of sheer talent all the way around. Larry knows how, and I hate using clichés, to push the envelope. The cast actually brings their own personalities to their characters. That’s comedy at its finest. The writing and storylines are brilliant in every episode.

3) All In The Family. This is a toss up. I would have put this at number two but it stayed on the air way past its prime. And it gets knocked down a number because of the dreadful spin-off “Archie Bunker’s Place.” Here’s a little known fact about Carroll O’Conner, had he gotten the part of the Skipper on “Gilligan’s Island” we would never have been blessed with Archie Bunker.

2) Seinfeld. While it was hailed as a show about nothing, it was really about something: People’s neuroses. Every episode is still funny in reruns. Great characters, brilliant writing, and stories that all intertwined with each other and wrapped up at the end of every episode.

1) The Odd Couple. Hands down the best show ever on television. Nothing will ever top it. There wasn’t one episode that didn’t make me laugh. It was just so simple. Messy Oscar and nitpicky Felix. Even the voice over intro was hilarious. “..Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?” That set the whole tone.

By Bob Hellman
Celebrity Apprentice Correspondent

Trump opened the show by stating, “I’m going to challenge 14 of the worlds most famous celebrities.” Really? I think he’s reading from a list of celebrities that’s upside down. There were also some nasty words between Omarosa and Piers Morgan. She seems to enjoy picking a verbal fight with anyone. She had better never run into me. Piers was drinking a glass of wine and she said to him, “I’m not going to mix it up with an alcoholic!” Wow, I’m having a glass of wine right now myself. I guess I need to attend a meeting.

One thing I love about Trump is the way he talks. He doesn’t shout, he doesn’t yell, he just talks loud. It’s very cool. I think I'm going to start doing the same thing.

We then watched Stephen Baldwin give the winning check from last week, 69K, to his mom and her breast cancer foundation. It was very touching. But I couldn’t help notice that his mom is the spitting image of his brother Alec. Which means that Alec is going to grow into a very sweet charming lady!

This Celebrity Apprentice installment’s challenge is to create an ad campaign for Pedigree dog foods doggie adoption wing. In the lobby of Trump Plaza, Donald asked the teams to immediately name the project managers. After a brief huddle, the ladies selected Nely Galan, and the guys chose Gene Simmons. And guess what, I’ve finally figured out what Gene’s hair reminds me of, a really bad lampshade that has been burned by a light bulb. In the boardroom Donald pointed out that Omarosa has a crush on Lennox, which she quickly agreed with. She also commented, “but he’s married.” She’s in this for more than winning, she’s looking for a new man. Try J-date, honey.

Ivanka (who could easily be a super-model) walked into team Hydra’s (the guys) meeting asking a simple question, do they have a strategy and a game plan for their ad yet? Before anyone could answer, Gene Simmons interrupted and announced that they were in a meeting and “She’ll wait.” This did not sit well with The Ivanka. A few nasty glares between the God Of Thunder and the Goddess of Loveliness were exchanged and we could already see that dad would be hearing about this. The guy’s then informed her of the concept utilizing Lennox for their pet adoption commercial.

Gene asked her if she was going to spill the beans to the “Sisterhood” (Team Empresario)

by Bob Hellman
Dance War Correspondent

Week two of “Carrie Ann vs. Bruno.” was very weak. I know, the show is called “Bruno vs. Carrie Ann”, but my parents raised me with manners so I like to put a woman’s name first. The show runs for 90 minutes and it’s 60 minutes too long. I have to be completely honest here, because my blogesty deserves honesty. This is without a doubt the worst show on television. Correction, the worst show in television history. You know how some shows are so bad that they’re good? Well, this is not one of them. It’s dull to no end. I need to rename it from “Dance War” to “Dance Snore.” (I have to credit my friend Mike for that line.) I seriously wouldn’t have even gotten through it if not for internet checkers.

The show opened with a salute to disco with the 14 contestants performing in a medley of some classic 70’s beats. Drew Lachey introduced the contestants, and I’ve never heard teenagers scream so loud. I think they were holding signs for the audience that said “scream loud and you’ll get a dollar!” When they showed the audience, it looked like every member should be in their bedroom doing their homework.

by Bob Hellman
Biggest Loser Correspondent

I know what everyone is thinking. How could I choose to watch Loser over Idol?

Well, after suffering through Bruno vs. Carrie Ann the other night, I just couldn’t watch any more bad singing. Tonight on Loser, the mother and son team of Jackie and Dan got a special treat since they were the big winners, or losers, last week. They get to have one family member visit them, two votes for the elimination and free massages for a week. Whoever the masseuse is, I hope they have strong hands and know how to knead.

We saw Mark in the gym curling what looked to be about 20 pounds. I never saw a guy that big struggle so much with that little weight. Hasn’t he carried to his car at least that amount in grocery bag weight? Mark and Jay’s thick Boston accents are also taking a toll on me. But who am I to say that, you should hear my thick N.Y. accent. It’s a treat.
During a segment with best friends Jenn and Maggie, they were asked what their favorite snack munch is. Both love “Cheesy Puffs.” Jenn said she loves them so much that before she knows it, “the bag is gone.” Wow, she eats the bag too! Sorry, Jenn, I didn’t mean that, and I still think you’re cute. The ladies on the show have also all been to hair and makeup for this weeks installment. Except for Jackie. And speaking of hair, her son Dan must have read my last blog and decided to wash his.

Trainer Bob gave us all a lo-cal snack tip, Wrigley’s gum. At only 5 calories a stick, it’s a good snack. Last I checked, we chew gum, we don’t eat it. Although I can’t speak for the contestants.

Trainer Jillian loves to yell at Neill and I love to watch her yell at him. Neill is the one everyone can’t stand. I think his wife is even starting to question her matrimonial vows.
Jillian kept barking at Ali while she was on the exercise machine, “Why are you here?!” She answered, “Because I’m fat.” No s**t Sherlock. She told us that her weight is a protection device because her parents divorced at a young age. She said that if she stays fat that no one will leave her. Huh??

The first challenge was in the middle of nowhere and the contestants had to carry medicine balls through muddy water and place them on a table where a team member stood behind. Eliminated are the teams that have the most balls placed on them. So this

By Bob Hellman
Celebrity Apprentice Correspondent
It’s time for Celebrity Apprentice. For this installment, I couldn’t be more ready. See, I fired my agent this afternoon. It felt great. Although Hollywood is a place where you don’t want to burn any bridges so I couldn’t say “you’re fired!”, instead I sent an email saying that I’m moving on, best regards, blah-blah-blah.

OK, who would be fired on Celebrity Apprentice? Well, I was quite sad to see that person go. They were the lifeblood of season 7, they have a strong attitude and really made the show sizzle. Speaking of sizzle, let me get to Gene Simmons’ hair. In the past I’ve compared it to doll hair, a bad lampshade that’s been burned by a bulb, but I finally realized what it truly looks like. Pubic hair that’s been straightened. I know, gross. It’s a toss up between that and just plain old fashioned Brillo.

The show opened with Nely Galan crying because Nadia Comaneci got fired last week. She must have been a big gymnast fan. Either that or she was learning to speak Hungarian for free. One thing I find interesting is the clothes. Vincent Pastore from the Soprano’s doesn’t dress like a gangster, but Gene does. I love his black suits with the red hankie dangling. He looks like he’s ready to shake down a small business owner. While Pastore dresses like he’s ready to sell you auto insurance at a discount.

Monsieur Donald began things by giving Gene the winning check from last week, 25k, which Gene donated to the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Foundation. A completely worthy cause if there ever was one. The God of Thunder (and rock and roll…) did such a

By Bob Hellman
Celebrity Apprentice Correspondent

Okay, for this installment of Celebrity Apprentice, I really wanted to get into it. So I put on a suit, a tie and had a glass of champagne, just like the boys of Team Hydra do when they celebrate their never ending victories. Opening the show we heard Piers Morgan state that he “was glad to see Gene Simmons gone because I want to win this thing.” Ha. Does he have a shot?

Moving along to the donation of the last weeks winnings. Tito Ortiz gave the money to such a good cause, The St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. An adorable little girl accepted the $25,000 check and she handed Tito a cute drawing she made for him. I hope it’s on his fridge; it was one of those sweet pictures that only a child can draw. It’s moments like these on this show that humanize it.

WWF mega-guru b’zillionaire, Vince McMahon, was the guest overseeing the business aspect of this week’s challenge. The teams were challenged to sell tickets to Broadway shows. Eight shows were provided and the two members from each team chose which four shows they would get to peddle. Leading Hydra was mafia wannabe, Vincent Pastore, who at times seems to think he’s actually in the mafia. Who knows, maybe he is. Leading Empresario was the lovely Marilu Henner, who said “It’s great to be back on Broadway.”

Technically she was, even though she was standing in front of a booth.

By Bob Hellman
Biggest Loser Correspondent

It’s time for The Biggest Loser. I love this show but I do have one problem with it. The theme song, it’s lame. “What have you done for me to make me feel proud…” They’ve eaten a tremendous amount of food, that’s what.

Last week we saw the first team broken up, best friend Maggie lost her partner Jenn.
To recap, the teams are now working with the trainers who’ve selected them.

Last week the Black team led by Jillian lost big time. She opened up the show by asking them why no one is losing. Here’s the shock, they aren’t eating enough. Isn’t that insane? Their calorie intake isn’t enough to keep up with their 6 hour a day workout schedule. That explains why some team members lost nothing last week.

The first temptation was every fatties fave, chocolate with caramel. In front of each one there were 100 pieces of chocolate, only 26 calories each. Wow, at that low rate, they can eat 10.000.