Fancast: Inside TV

By Bob Hellman
Dance War Correspondent

Well, I put on a pair of old Capezio’s (I’m not a dancer, they’re left over from my punk rock days back in the 80’s) to get ready for the two hour premiere of ABC’s “Dance War: Bruno vs. Carrie Ann.” The spin-off from “Dancing With The Stars.” Starring DWTS (that’s Dancing With The Stars) judges Bruno Tonioli, the dude from Italy with a thick Russian accent, and Carrie Ann Inaba, the chick with no accent. Left out of this incarnation was the older British judge from DWTS who obviously doesn’t fit the show’s demographic. Dance War is hosted by Drew Lachey who’s the new man in Hollywood to be crowned “Luckiest man in show business.” The overall theme of the show will be two teams, one led by Carrie Ann and the other by Bruno, who will compete against each other in order to win, ahh, well they didn’t actually say what they’d win, so I’ll have to get back to you on that.

The first half of auditions took place in New York on a huge outdoor stage. Being from Brooklyn I enjoyed seeing all my thick accented comrades trying their best to impress. The next half hour featured auditions from Los Angeles on the same huge outdoor stage set on the beach. They closed the auditions from none other than the singing/dance capital of the world, Nashville, Tennessee. At the Nashville State Fair no less. Because this segment started at 9:01 PM, we were treated to a few shots of Carrie Ann using her hands to milk a cow. Who’s her agent and why would they allow us to see her perform this suggestive task? Since they were in Nashville, Bruno and Carrie Ann felt it necessary to don Cowboy hats. Wearing a black hat and black shirt, Bruno was the spitting image of Yul Brenner in Westworld.

With such catchy opening phrases like Bruno’s “I’m in it to win it!”, and Carrie Ann’s “Game on!”, we can obviously tell there’s a writer’s strike. The judges gave their credentials in the beginning, Carrie Ann told us she was a hit recording star in Japan (who wasn’t?) and Bruno mentioned that he’s worked with Madonna. Which he reminded us when he commented on one male dancer; “If Madonna sees him, she will hire this dancer.” Yea, I’m sure that’s exactly what she’s thinking.

Again the writer’s strike gave notice when Drew asked the contestants, “Who’s nervous?” When a bunch of them raised their hands, Drew looked lost for an answer and told them the secret is; “Umm, don’t be nervous.” Whew… Thanks for the advice, Drew.

The first contestant was a hot girl with a big butt, she danced quite well and Carrie Ann