Fancast: Inside TV

Well Buddha is back in the muthaf*@kin’ house and New York couldn’t be more pleased. Because he left after assaulting Tailor Made all the contestants were forced to sign waivers granting him active status once again. Tailor Made looked angry and scared when Buddha came strutting back in the game, yet he signed the waiver as a show of support for the object of his obsession, Miss New York.

The guys’ challenge was to cook a boobylicious dish for the lady, and the Entertainer immediately phoned his ma who told him to add two “jiggers” of vodka to his penne a la vodka sauce. What is a jigger? I honestly have no idea if it’s a shot or a cup or a fifth. Mr. Boston was the special guest who, like the Iron Chef chairman, dramatically revealed the secret ingredient. It’s New York’s favorite food, ranch dressing! YAYYY! All the guys were instructed to use at least a CUP of ranch in their recipes. Some worked (Wolf’s fajitas, the Entertainer’s penne), while others comically fell flat by combining ranch with caviar, salmon and mango or using it to destroy a perfectly good cheesecake. Buddha and Wolf won and were sent on one-on-one dates with Tiff, and Buddha’s went so well I expected them to strip down and lube up so NY could inspect this package he kept bragging about. They have such undeniable sexual chemistry. I hope she’s on the pill because that man looks more potent than Kevin Federline.

Wolf got to escort NY to her guest starring role on FX’s Nip/Tuck, and while she was killing them softly with her attitude and timing he was killing her with his gassy ass. Wolf cold cut a fart during their nap and disgusted the sleeping maiden and effectively destroyed his chances in the game. After seeing Flavor Flav eat you’d think NY got off on gastrenterologically challenged suitors, but instead this fearless juggernaut has rules, boundaries and restrictions for her boyfriends’ fart parts. God bless you Wolf. The show went great for NY, the producers loved her and Julian McMahon kissed her on the mouth. He’s so sexy!

Sensing elimination around the corner Tailor Made ordered an $850 La Perla negligee for Tiff and delivered it to her to put her in a good mood before she put one of the bulls out to pasture. New York passed out chains in order of effort, and Tailor got the first one after spending so much dough on his ladybird. Buddha was in a close second and I think New York put him down a peg so he works even harder to woo her and win her in the end. I can’t see her picking anyone else on this show, and I know she’d like to rub a lot more than Buddha’s belly.

The final four had a visit from their families, and while past shows have brought out the worst in the loved ones they are always the best shows to watch. New York was in a mood right off the bat which was a bit of a surprise seeing how last season ended so badly when Tango took back his engagement ring after he saw the horrible things New York said about his mama. If NY picks Punk she can expect a reprise of last year’s rejection, because she actually went over the line when she called Punk’s mom and sister ugly. Granted, they may not be Victoria’s Secret models but calling someone’s mom ugly is going too far, even for New York. Your mom is sacred and no one knows that more than New York. She made it clear last night when she told Buddha, “That’s my mother. She’s always gonna be right even when she’s wrong.” When your mom is maligning someone and destroying their reputation, and when that someone is your husband is she right then? If that’s her criterion she is destined to end up alone, and that may not be so bad for reality fans who cannot get enough of I Love New York.

Sparks really flew when the Entertainer’s mom nearly came to blows with Sister Patterson after SP insulted Entertainer outright. They got into a screaming match at the table and SP and NY flew into a rage and walked off, and Punk and his family sat quietly by, hoping to avoid the draft into a war of the tresses as the dueling matriarchs traded barbs about the other’s bad hair. To be fair, they are both working with some freeze dried horse hair looking garbage, but it was funny when Entertainer’s mom called SP a transvestite. That’s what my husband says every time he watches the show!

The big surprise was how poorly New York got on with Buddha’s dad who was a handsome and calm gentleman who had kind words for everybody. Sister Patterson tensed up the joint again when she pointed out to Tailor Made’s dad that Buddha had recently beaten him up. There was no dust up between the patriarchs, but when Buddha caught wind of SP’s gross exaggerations of the incident he had no choice but to call her out. This lead to a king size argument with NY and certainly brought out her most real side – a tempestuous mix of frustration, tears and unquenchable passion. Because there was no time to mend their rift I assumed Buddha was going home, instead New York called out the Entertainer and his parents for making him such a loser. Her comments were a little shocking and rude, but a 32 year old living in his parents basement hardly deserves a gentler assessment. Maybe this guy was looking for New York to pull him out of obscurity (and the basement), but NY is looking for a guy who can do more than drop off his laundry at mom’s. She wants a man with a slow hand and a submissive disposition who can unleash her tempest in a teapot (or the sack).

by Kennedy, host of Reality Remix

This is the time of year girls like me abhor. Not because it’s the holidays and the forced cheer and commercialism can be a downward spiral into depression central, HELLs no! I am sad and agitated because all my shows are ending and winter reality doldrums are as certain as a New Year’s Day hangover.

I Love New York is rounding third and it looks like New York has her hands full with two guys who drive her crazy. On this week’s episode NY took the final three, Punk, Tailor Made and Buddha to Miami for a change of context and a few early bird specials, and it was a way to get out of dodge while keeping costs down. As soon as the plane touched down Buddha was on a manhunt for some lady scent, and his perfume of choice did not belong to our girl. Instead he mercilessly flirted with the cute hostess at the hotel (who immediately brought the phrase “no sucky fu%@y” to mind) and Tailor Made and Punk made haste in telling their mutual she-temptress about Buddha’s wandering eye, but he shrugged it off and she seemed to take it with a grain of salt.

New York invited Buddha to her room after dinner, but instead of showing him around “the city” she badgered and insulted him, forced him to leave then begged him to stay -and so goes the dynamic of that doomed relationship. Tailor Made is the only other guy who can blow New York’s dress up, and he nearly got the chance during their spontaneous and rudely interrupted roll in the hay. Tailor had the good sense to go out and buy New York another slutty and expensive dress, and if his smooth skin and undying love doesn’t win her over his wallet certainly will.

Punk has problems. This guy has obviously worked out is whole life, but I’m guessing he spent a little too much time at that Marion Jones Juice Bar, because as his muscles have stayed huge and meaty he has developed a layer of fat that will turn his pecs into boobies in a few short and careless months. On a date by the pool Punk and New York had all the chemistry of a geriatric bingo game, and as Punk squirted his chest with whipped cream I felt the estrogen and excitement leaving New York’s body. He obviously loves her, but she is a damaged girl and love isn’t enough. She needs intrigue, danger, threats of violence. She needs an asshole!

As New York promised her mom she would make the right choice it seemed the writing was on the wall for Buddha. The enlightened one was about to get pulled out of nirvana by New York’s well oiled Manolo Blahnik. She made a list for each Punk and Buddha, and of course Punk’s was a mile long and full of virtue, and easily predictable Buddha’s was a hectare and full of vice and dirty deeds. Who do you think this girl picked, the one who was smitten and smacked down by Flav but subjected herself to one more season only to get bitch slapped again? Yes, she gave Buddha a chain (along with Tailor Made) and poor Punk was left with more questions than camera time, but swore up and down although she broke his heart he still has love for New York.

This sets up the ultimate showdown. Two guys who hate each other and who have both pledged their love to the same mercurial and tortured girl. Metro Tailor Made is rich, vain and madly in love, but he’s already had his ass kicked by Buddha (whom he still fears) and the two of them fighting it out in the finale should make magical television. Forget New York, I have love for two archenemies doing battle on the gridiron of reality. Bring your balls, boys!